How to Fake Being a Functioning Adult (Without Crying in a Trader Joe’s Parking Lot)

The functioning adult

Functioning adult? Let’s get this out of the way:

Nobody knows what they’re doing. Not your boss. Not your neighbor with the cute doormat and seven kids. Not even that guy on Instagram who meal preps on Sundays and smiles like he isn’t one frozen lasagna away from snapping.

Adulting isn’t a skill—it’s a performance. And like any performance, it’s mostly panic, caffeine, and hoping the lights don’t come on too soon.

Here’s how to fake being a functioning adult long enough to fool your loved ones, your coworkers, and ideally, the IRS.

Step 1: Clean Like You’re Hiding a Body

You don’t need a spotless home. You need a plausibly clean one—something that says “I’m not currently decomposing inside.”

Focus on surface-level cleanliness:

• Wipe down the bathroom sink with your shirt sleeve.

• Spray Febreze like it’s sage and you’re banishing demons.

• Shove everything you own into a closet and pray no one opens it.

Bonus: Vacuum lines. People trust vacuum lines. You could have a meth lab under the bed, but if there are tidy little rows in the carpet, you’re a suburban icon.

Step 2: Cook Something That Isn’t a Cry-for-Help Snack Plate

Look, not everyone’s cut out for sous vide. You just need to cook something that won’t be featured on a Netflix documentary titled “What Killed Him.”

Here are three low-effort meals that scream “functional adult”:

• Rotisserie chicken + bagged salad = you care about protein and fiber.

• Scrambled eggs with anything = lazy brunch energy.

• Anything you put in a bowl and call a “grain bowl” = trendy and tragic.

Avoid dinner that consists solely of crackers and existential dread.

Step 3: Taxes Are Just Math with Threats

There are two kinds of people in this world:

1. People who do their taxes in February.

2. People who remember on April 14th while eating shredded cheese from the bag.

If you’re the latter, you’re my people.

The trick is to outsource. Let TurboTax or that guy who once did your cousin’s divorce take the wheel. Tell yourself you’ll “learn next year,” which is code for “definitely cry again in April.”

Step 4: Parenting While Dehydrated

If you’re a parent, congratulations: you’ve chosen to cohabitate with tiny, loud roommates who don’t pay rent and think yogurt is a floor topping.

The key to surviving is this mantra: “Good enough is good enough.”

Did your child eat a vegetable today? No? Did they at least see one? Great.

Did you scroll your phone while they bathed themselves in danger? Sure. But they lived.

Nobody is thriving. Not you, not the kids, not Bluey. Embrace mediocrity with grace.

Step 5: Socializing Without Googling “Small Talk for Broken People”

You don’t want to socialize. Nobody does. We all just want to cancel plans and watch a show where everyone has better lighting.

But you have to show up sometimes so people don’t think you’ve joined a cult or been eaten by your own cat.

Pro tips:

• Ask questions so you don’t have to talk.

• Nod thoughtfully even if you weren’t listening.

• Say “wild times” when you don’t know what to say. It fits almost every situation.

If you manage to leave without saying “you too” when the waiter tells you to enjoy your meal, you’re already better than most.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone (You’re Just Unsupervised)... No One is a Functioning Adult

Adulting isn’t about perfection—it’s about hiding your panic well enough that people assume you’ve got it together.

So next time you’re overwhelmed, staring blankly at your spice rack wondering if cumin solves loneliness, just remember: everyone is faking it. Some people are just better at laundering their hand towels.

Now go take a walk, drink some water, and schedule that dentist appointment you’ve been avoiding since Obama was in office.

You’ve got this. Kind of.

Want more dysfunctional life advice, dark comedy, and free books from someone who also wants to disappear during tax season? Click below to browse our free books. You will laugh, cringe, and wonder if you’re okay. (That’s the point.)