top of page
Search
Reviews from the Abyss
Satirical reviews of books, services, movies, products, lifestyle trends


Norfolk VA Rental Market Mayhem: I Pay $2,600 to Live Next to a Therapy Rottweiler
I pay $2,600/month to live next to an emotional support Rottweiler and a neighbor who vapes like it’s cardio. Here’s what the Norfolk VA rental market actually feels like—overpriced, absurd, and padded with more fees than a college tuition bill.

Julian Vane
Jun 194 min read


Gods Unchained: The Card Game That Made Me Think I Was a War Strategist (and Also Ruined My Weekend Plans)
I’m level 277 in Gods Unchained the card game, which means I’ve basically earned a PhD in pixelated vengeance. It’s the most fun I’ve had destroying people legally.

Julian Vane
Jun 165 min read


Weighted Blanket Review: It’s Like Being Hugged by Someone You Owe Money To
In this brutally honest weighted blanket review, I test the Cuteking — a 25-pound emotional trap disguised as comfort. It promises rest but delivers pressure (both physical and existential). Funny, useful, and just a little bit traumatic.

Julian Vane
Jun 105 min read


May You Always Stream in Suffering: The Worst Movies to Wish on Someone... Like Your Enemies
Ever hated someone so much you wanted them to sit through Eraserhead? Here’s the ultimate list of cursed movies to emotionally sabotage your enemies—legally.

Julian Vane
Jun 45 min read
bottom of page