Adulting for the Unprepared

My first job after film school ended with a toxic performance review that blamed my “listening skills.” Twenty-five years later, I’ve realized it wasn’t about performance—it was about power. Here’s how to turn that kind of feedback into content (and revenge).

Yes, I became the unofficial HR rep at my toxic job. No, I wasn’t qualified. And yes, I still got blamed for Gary crying in the breakroom. Welcome to the hellscape of toxic workplace HR expectations, where the only thing more exhausting than your job is pretending you’re not already doing five others.

If the rent seems too good to be true, it probably includes a complimentary snake or a barking German Shepherd.

I’ve learned more about adulthood from Star Trek: The Next Generation than from any therapist. This article is what happens when midlife meets warp drive—with life lessons, Picard flashbacks, and a graveyard full of hairline regrets.

I was thirty, filming the Secretary of Defense in Arlington Cemetery, when he wandered off mid-shoot and saluted the wrong funeral. I ended up sprinting over headstones trying to catch him—and somewhere between panic and gravitas, I had a life changing moment.

Adulting is hard. Like, emotionally-spiraling-in-a-Trader-Joe’s-parking-lot hard. This brutally honest (and disturbingly relatable) guide will walk you through the chaos of pretending to function—with zero judgment and at least one clean pair of socks.

Adulting isn’t a skill—it’s a performance. From pretending you understand taxes to cleaning like you’re hiding a body, here’s your darkly funny survival guide to faking functional adulthood without sobbing in public (too often).