Toxic Workplace HR Expectations (And Why I Now Flinch Around Sheet Cake)
- Julian Vane
- Jun 20
- 5 min read
Yes, I became the unofficial HR rep at my toxic job. No, I wasn’t qualified. And yes, I still got blamed for Gary crying in the breakroom.
Welcome to the dark side of workplace expectations—where you’re expected to manage HR, morale, and your own silent internal collapse, all before lunch.
Ah yes, the corporate fantasy: where you get paid to do one job but actually perform four. My title said “Instructional Designer.” My tasks said, “HR therapist, emotional triage unit, and designated listener to all things passive-aggressive.”
I wasn’t hired to do HR. But somehow I became:
The designated birthday card circulator
The unofficial conflict mediator (“Can you talk to Brenda? She’s giving off… vibes.”)
The unpaid benefits explainer, despite never understanding them myself
And once, tragically, the person asked to “plan a team-building karaoke night” even though I have resting funeral face
By the time I left, I was basically running HR out of a desk drawer. My coworker even joked I should get a badge. I laughed. Then I cried. Then I laughed again and got laid off.
When HR Expectations Become Health Hazards
Let’s talk about the time my toxic job literally prevented me from seeing a doctor. We weren’t allowed to schedule appointments during work hours. I don’t know what kind of off-brand vampire doctor they thought I had, but as far as I’m aware, most clinics don’t offer checkups at 3:00 AM or on your lunch break while you sob into a Tupperware of quinoa.
So, I just… didn’t go. For five years. And when I finally went, they said, “Oh wow, you have high blood pressure.” Shocking, considering I spent half a decade being micromanaged into oblivion by someone named Debra who considered “per my last email” a personality.
I still don’t know if the high blood pressure was genetic, environmental, or just the result of holding in 800 consecutive sighs every time someone said “circle back.”
Why Contractors Are Treated Like Office Furniture
Now let me drag you into my other trauma: government contracting. It’s like working a regular job, except your employer treats you like a reusable napkin with a badge number.
I once lost out on a decent employer because the contract winner only offered five total days off per year. For everything. Sick? That’s one. Vacation? That’s two. Funeral? That’s three. Emotional breakdown in a CVS parking lot? Hope it’s under 30 minutes.
And here’s the kicker: you could get more time off—by voluntarily decreasing your own salary. That’s right. Want to relax? Pay for it yourself. HR made it feel like we were just numbers on a spreadsheet. And not even cool numbers like 69. We were the sad decimals at the bottom.
Working in government contracting taught me that HR doesn’t stand for Human Resources. It stands for Heartless Rationalizations. Or Horrifying Realities. Take your pick.
Talk about toxic workplace HR expectations...
The HR “Emergency” That Was Just Cake (And Psychological Warfare)
And finally, let me tell you about the greatest HR bait-and-switch of all time.
One day, at a job I will absolutely not name (but let’s just say it rhymes with “schmovernment”), the HR department declared an emergency meeting. People were whispering. Slack channels lit up. One guy packed protein bars like we were headed into lockdown. We were herded down several flights of stairs like lab rats being led to a fate unknown.
You’d think there was a chemical spill. A ransomware attack. A rogue intern with a flamethrower.
Nope.
Cake.
Just cake.
No warning. No explanation. Just surprise cake in a cold conference room. The “emergency” was a sheet cake. From Costco. With generic blue icing that looked like a toddler’s watercolor project.
They laughed. We laughed nervously. And then we all returned to our desks, emotionally violated.
I’ve never flinched so hard at cake in my life. To this day, if someone says “there’s cake in the breakroom,” I instinctively look for an exit route and check my pulse.
Signs Your Workplace Has a Toxic HR Culture (Besides Surprise Cake)
If you’re wondering whether your office suffers from the same dysfunction, here are some undeniable red flags:
You do HR work without being in HR
Mental health days require a death certificate
You learn about your benefits from a coworker named Ron who “thinks” he remembers how COBRA works
Your job description includes the phrase “and other duties as assigned”… and those duties include trauma processing
The only emotional support is an actual support animal someone smuggled into the office
You hesitate to report anything because the HR inbox hasn’t been monitored since 2016
And worst of all:
Your therapist starts referring to your job as “The Source” like it’s Voldemort
What to Do If You’re Trapped in a Toxic Workplace with HR Expectations
First of all, I see you. And I’m sorry.
Second of all, here’s what you can do if you’re in this exact situation and not ready to burn it all down yet:
1. Document Everything
If you’re doing HR tasks without the job title or pay, make a list. Track your time. Record tasks. HR might not care, but your future lawyer will.
2. Don’t Volunteer for Emotional Labor
Saying no doesn’t make you “not a team player.” It makes you a boundary-having adult. Let Janet vent to her houseplants for once.
3. Escalate Without Apologizing
If you’re being asked to enforce policy, correct employee behavior, or resolve conflict—without authority—escalate it. HR isn’t a vibe. It’s a job.
4. Consider Remote Options or Freelancing
The nice thing about capitalism slowly imploding is that freelancing is now a viable escape route. And guess what? Your kitchen won’t randomly declare an emergency cake meeting.
5. Tell Someone—Even If It’s Just the Internet
There’s something cathartic about writing it down. Or blogging about it. Or, I don’t know, starting a humor site that slowly becomes your therapist.
Final Thought: HR Shouldn’t Stand for “Horrifically Repressed”
HR is supposed to make you feel protected. Seen. Safe. Instead, I learned that in many toxic jobs, HR is just another layer of management fear with a clipboard and an HR certificate from a two-day webinar.
The next time someone says, “We’re all family here,” remember: some families have restraining orders.
Internal Links for the Broken and the Brave
If you enjoyed this article and still hear phantom HR voices whispering “we’re concerned about your tone,” you might also enjoy these gems from the archive:
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