Yes, I became the unofficial HR rep at my toxic job. No, I wasn’t qualified. And yes, I still got blamed for Gary crying in the breakroom. Welcome to the hellscape of toxic workplace HR expectations, where the only thing more exhausting than your job is pretending you’re not already doing five others.

Corporate retreats are like Hunger Games with name tags. Learn how to survive the trust falls, icebreakers, and emotional hostage-taking with this darkly funny guide to faking enthusiasm and escaping with your job—and dignity—intact.

Professionalism is just rage in a collared shirt. Here are five email phrases that let you hate someone’s guts—without breaching HR policy.