We’ve all made questionable choices at the grocery store—but some weird grocery store purchases cross into full-blown psychological thriller territory. This is one man’s descent into checkout shame, featuring bananas, Vaseline, and a grocery clerk who silently judged it all.

Adulting isn’t a skill—it’s a performance. From pretending you understand taxes to cleaning like you’re hiding a body, here’s your darkly funny survival guide to faking functional adulthood without sobbing in public (too often).