Weird Grocery Store Purchases: The Banana, Vaseline, and Other Checkout Nightmares
- Julian Vane
- Jun 14
- 4 min read
Some grocery store combos are innocent—milk and cereal. Others are an accidental cry for help—like a banana and Vaseline. This is my descent into checkout shame, conspiracy combos, and why I now judge everyone’s cart like it’s a criminal lineup.
The Grocery Store Is Where Dignity Goes to Die
Let me get this out of the way: I’m not above anyone. I’ve bought trail mix, melatonin, and Pepto-Bismol in a single trip. That’s the “I’m trying to calm down while actively falling apart” bundle.
But there’s a line—an unspoken, societal line. A line between “just grabbing some basics” and “why are you building a makeshift sex dungeon with produce?”
And once you see it, you can’t unsee it. That’s why I now watch people’s checkout belts like they’re confessionals. They say “don’t judge a book by its cover,” but I’m judging you by your bananas and petroleum jelly, Gary.
I Heard the Coconut Oil Question, and My Trust in Humanity Evaporated
It started innocently enough: I was waiting for customer service at the grocery store, probably to ask something neurotic like “Do you still carry that exact brand of baby carrots that don’t taste like sadness?”
Behind me, a man politely asks the clerk, “Hey, where’s the coconut oil?”
Normal question, right? But my brain, broken as it is, immediately went off-script.
Why? Why coconut oil? What time is it? What day? What’s the weather? Is he using it for cooking? Hair? Skin? Ritual sacrifice? A new TikTok trend where you coat yourself in tropical grease and slide under the garage door?
I don’t know. I never found out. He walked off like a man with a mission and I stood there, disturbed by how curious I was about his intent.
And that’s when I remembered…
The Banana and Vaseline Combo That Haunts Me
It wasn’t even my purchase. But the story made its rounds like urban legend.
A friend once worked cashier at a 24-hour grocery store. One night, a man came through her line with exactly two items:
One banana
One tub of Vaseline
Nothing else. No filler. Not even a bottle of water to mask the shame.
She made eye contact, he did not.
Now, maybe he had a cramp and chapped lips. Maybe he was making banana bread and just preferred it slippery. Who knows?
But here’s what matters: he made that decision. He walked into a public place, selected those two items, and carried them—together—to a human being with working eyeballs.
I will never not think about it.
My Own Low Point: Tuna, Lube, and a Birthday Card
Okay, now it’s confession time. I once bought the following:
2 cans of tuna
Water-based lube
A birthday card with a cartoon cat on the front
Let me explain.
I was on the way to a friend’s surprise party and realized I had no card. Easy fix. Then I remembered I was out of tuna (cheap protein, don’t judge). On the way to self-checkout, I saw lube on sale, and hey—I’m a modern man with modern needs.
But once it was all in the same basket, I saw it.
Tuna.
Lube.
A cat birthday card.
It looked like I was preparing for the most depraved and oddly affectionate night imaginable. Even I didn’t want to scan it. The self-checkout machine blinked at me like, “Buddy… you good?”
Weird Purchases I’ve Actually Seen
Let me list a few I’ve personally witnessed. These are real, in the wild, unedited:
Cabbage, whipped cream, and a plunger. Someone was fighting demons or prepping for Chopped: Apocalypse Edition.
KY Jelly and two loaves of rye bread. That’s just the setup to a joke you don’t want the punchline to.
Adult diapers, vodka, and Silly String. Party? Crisis? Who knows.
Beef jerky, Sudafed, duct tape, and batteries. Should I call someone? The FBI? His mother?
And of course:
A single potato and three bottles of red wine. That’s either heartbreak or performance art.
Why Do We Do This?
There’s actually a psychological explanation—because of course there is. According to shopping behavior researchers (yes, that’s a thing), people often shop based on immediate impulse, not logic. It’s why you go in for eggs and leave with twelve frozen pizzas and a blowtorch.
Combine that with late-night shopping, emotional eating, and social anxiety, and you’ve got a perfect recipe for:
“Yes, I did just buy frosting, rope, and a Halloween mask in June. Don’t ask.”
Also, no one wants to make two trips. That’s how you get ketchup, condoms, and ant traps in the same bag.
A Practical Lesson in How Not to Look Like a Creep
If you’re buying something weird, buffer your items. Add distractions. Create context.
Example:
Buying bananas and Vaseline?
Add cereal. Throw in toothpaste. Get a gallon of milk. Confuse them.
Need whipped cream and duct tape?
Buy cleaning supplies, sparkling water, and maybe a pineapple. Now you’re just quirky.
Buying condoms and cake?
Add a six-pack. You’re not deranged—you’re just celebrating responsibly.
And if you truly must make the purchase raw and unfiltered, own it. Smile. Make confident eye contact. Say something like:
“It’s not what you think… it’s worse.”
Brand Safety Note (Yes, Advertisers, You’re Safe Here)
No profanity. No political commentary. Just honest, existential humiliation in the frozen foods section. If you’re a grocery app, coupon service, or meal prep kit, this is your moment.
This is what people Google at 2 AM. Things like weird grocery store purchases.
Be here when they do.
Final Verdict: We’re All the Banana Guy Eventually
Every person alive has, at some point, made a grocery purchase that would not hold up in court.
We all panic-shop. We all impulse-buy. We all forget we’re being watched by twelve strangers in line behind us.
But in those weird purchases—those awkward, questionably legal-looking combos—we reveal our deepest truths:
We’re tired.
We’re unwell.
We’re hungry.
And sometimes, we’re just weird.
And that’s okay. Just remember to throw in a bag of popcorn to balance the lube.
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