Adulting is hard. Like, emotionally-spiraling-in-a-Trader-Joe’s-parking-lot hard. This brutally honest (and disturbingly relatable) guide will walk you through the chaos of pretending to function—with zero judgment and at least one clean pair of socks.

Adulting isn’t a skill—it’s a performance. From pretending you understand taxes to cleaning like you’re hiding a body, here’s your darkly funny survival guide to faking functional adulthood without sobbing in public (too often).