I Tried to Be the Bigger Person. Now I’m Just Bloated with Resentment.

Being the bigger person sounds noble—until you’re a people-pleasing balloon of unresolved tension and passive-aggressive affirmations. Let’s unpack how emotional maturity became a trap for those of us who have mastered the art of internal screaming.

"I didn't choose the high road. The high road was forced upon me and now I live here, bitter and emotionally bloated."

The Bigger Person Industrial Complex

Somewhere along the way, “being the bigger person” stopped meaning handling conflict with grace and started meaning let people treat you like a doormat wrapped in emotional granola bars. The advice always sounds the same:

• “Just take the high road.”

• “Don’t stoop to their level.”

• “You’ll feel better if you let it go."

Here’s the problem: I did. I took the high road. I waved politely as they burned the bridge behind me and used the ashes to spell out “my bad.”

And did I feel better? No. I felt like I’d swallowed a yoga class and it was now doing angry pigeon pose inside my spleen.

My Qualifications: How I Became an Emotional Accommodator

I’m not a therapist, but I have personally said “no worries” while very much having worries. I once hugged someone who betrayed me because I didn’t want to “make things weird.” I have defused more situations than a bomb-sniffing dog on a Tinder date.

This is what makes me an expert: I have lived it. If being the bigger person was a sport, I’d have torn my empathy ligament years ago.

The Science of Swallowing Your Rage (It’s Bad)

According to research published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, chronic emotional suppression can lead to elevated cortisol levels, reduced immune function, and an increased risk of early death.

Translation: Holding in your anger to avoid confrontation might kill you faster than actually confronting someone.

A 2020 study by Gross & John (University of California, Berkeley) found that people who regularly suppress their feelings are perceived as less authentic and experience lower relationship satisfaction.

So when you say, “It’s fine,” and it’s absolutely not, you’re not helping anyone. You’re just slowly turning into an emotionally constipated version of yourself, and no one is fooled except maybe Karen from HR.

The Quiet Damage of Always Taking the High Road

Let’s talk about the unspoken side effects of “taking the high road”:

1. 

You Become the Villain in Your Own Head

You ever have a fake argument in the shower and somehow lose again? That’s what unresolved resentment does. It replays conflict like it’s auditioning for a reboot.

2. 

You Start Resenting People Who Don’t Even Know They Wronged You

Because you never said anything. They’re out here enjoying a bagel while you’re calculating how many passive-aggressive “likes” it’ll take on their Instagram post to convey emotional distance.

3. 

Your Self-Worth Becomes a Negotiation

Each time you choose silence over advocacy, you chip away at your own value. You become a polite hostage.

“Let It Go” Is Not a Mental Health Strategy

Letting things go is a great idea—when it’s your ex’s hoodie or a balloon at a child’s birthday party. But when it’s your dignity, your emotional needs, or your boundaries? That’s not peace. That’s suppression dressed in self-help language.

“Let it go” often means “don’t make anyone uncomfortable,” which is code for “keep suffering privately, but do it with a smile.”

Signs You Might Be the Bloated “Bigger Person” in the Room

You might relate to the following symptoms:

• You say “no worries” so often it’s become your trauma ringtone.

• You give people the benefit of the doubt long after they’ve stopped deserving your attention.

• You think confrontation is toxic—but your nightly jaw-clenching says otherwise.

• You write long messages in Notes and never send them. (They could be a book. You’re just scared to publish it.)

• You’ve practiced forgiving someone preemptively, just in case they do something hurtful.

So… Are We Just Supposed to Scream at People?

Not quite. Unless you’re into that.

The goal isn’t to flip the table. The goal is to stop being the table.

Being assertive doesn’t make you petty. It makes you healthy. You can speak up without being a jerk. In fact, true emotional maturity is setting boundaries, not swallowing pain like it’s part of your daily vitamin pack.

The “Assertive but Civilized” Starter Pack

Here’s a guide for reprogramming your conflict style without becoming a human Molotov cocktail:

Step 1: 

Name It, Don’t Nuke It

Use calm, factual language:

“When you said X, I felt Y. I’d like to avoid that dynamic going forward.”

It’s not drama—it’s data. You’re the NASA of emotional feedback.

Step 2: 

Stop Performing Emotional Gymnastics

You don’t need to triple backflip into a polite exit. If someone wrongs you, it’s okay to:

• Pause

• Say, “That didn’t sit right with me.”

• Not immediately soften the moment with a joke or apology.

Silence is allowed. Stillness is allowed. You don’t owe anyone immediate grace.

Step 3: 

Use Sarcasm as a Tool, Not a Weapon

Sarcasm is powerful—if you don’t turn it inward.

Bad: “Haha no worries I’m just dead inside.”

Better: “I would let that slide, but I promised my therapist I’d stop collecting emotional debt.”

Step 4: 

Practice Saying These Without Flinching:

• “I’d rather not.”

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

• “I hear you. I just disagree.”

• “Let’s not pretend that was okay.”

You’re not being difficult. You’re being clear.

Real-Life Example: The Ghoster and the Closure Text

Let me share a quick story.

A few years ago, someone ghosted me after a few months of dating. I was encouraged to “be the bigger person” and move on. But I couldn’t stop thinking about what I should have said.

So I wrote a closure text. It wasn’t mean. It was honest.

“Hey, I just want to say I noticed the silence. I deserved a better ending than that, and I hope you treat the next person with more respect.”

You know what happened?

They responded. Apologized. I slept better that night than I had in weeks.

Closure isn’t always about the other person. Sometimes it’s a note to yourself that says: I matter.

Is It Petty to Want an Apology? No. It’s Math.

It’s not about vengeance. It’s about emotional accounting. If someone overdrafts your trust, it’s okay to require a transaction of acknowledgment before you move forward.

“Being the bigger person” doesn’t mean ignoring that someone bounced a check to your soul.

The Humor in All This (Because You’re Not Alone)

Let’s be real: emotional suppression is funny in the darkest way. Who among us hasn’t done one of these?

• Held in a boundary so long it came out as a 17-paragraph email sent at 3:17 AM.

• Said “I’m fine” through gritted teeth so hard you needed dental work.

• Told someone “It’s all good” while journaling about them like you were writing Gone Girl.

Laughter is our nervous system’s way of releasing tension. So yeah—go ahead and laugh at your inner doormat. Then roll it up and put it in storage.

What We Actually Mean by “How to Be the Bigger Person”

Let’s redefine it.

• Old Definition: Silently endure, take the high road, always forgive.

• New Definition: Speak up with clarity, respect yourself, laugh at the absurdity of it all, and stop offering grace like it’s Costco samples.

Being the bigger person should never mean making yourself smaller in the process.

Final Thought: Sometimes the High Road Is Just a Detour to Avoid Your Feelings

You’re not petty. You’re not overreacting. You’re just learning what it feels like to take up emotional space in a world that told you to shrink.

Next time someone says, “Be the bigger person,” try this instead:

Be the truer person. The clearer person. The person who’s not bloated with resentment, but full of self-respect.

It feels a lot lighter. And funnier, too.

That is how to be the bigger person.