I spent $3,000 on a productivity coach who told me to wake up at 5 a.m., chant about abundance, and walk barefoot in a parking lot. Spoiler: it didn’t fix my life. If you’re tempted to pay someone to shame you into hustle culture, read this first.

Corporate retreats are like Hunger Games with name tags. Learn how to survive the trust falls, icebreakers, and emotional hostage-taking with this darkly funny guide to faking enthusiasm and escaping with your job—and dignity—intact.