I went on a date with a woman who never made eye contact, had eyelashes like bird wings, and believed pigeons were government surveillance drones. Honestly? The margaritas were the most grounded part of the night.

Adulting is hard. Like, emotionally-spiraling-in-a-Trader-Joe’s-parking-lot hard. This brutally honest (and disturbingly relatable) guide will walk you through the chaos of pretending to function—with zero judgment and at least one clean pair of socks.